So, I’ve discovered something about myself in the last six months. I am a classic drama chaser. I don’t follow celebrity news or watch things like Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood. I don’t follow the gossip, listening intently as my colleagues talk in the workroom about what they heard that so and so was doing. I’ve tried for most of my adult life to avoid gossip at all costs because I’ve learned that it doesn’t do me or anyone else any good. I don’t watch the news, hoping to hear the latest sound bite about my least favorite politician. I don’t gloat when someone in the other party has failed in some horribly ironic way. I don’t like drama. In fact, I hate drama. However, I am a drama chaser.
Photo by Carolina Heza on Unsplash
Last year, my family and I underwent probably the most difficult period of our lives. We tried to add a new addition to our family, an eleven year old boy who was looking for a forever family. We were excited and anxious and happy about the possibility of growing as a family. Unfortunately, things did not work out and this crisis led to all three of us doing some serious soul searching individually and as a family. As a result of this crisis, I felt the need to go back to therapy and seek medication for depression and anxiety. I am happy to report that I am stable…no more mornings where I feel too fragile to even get out of bed. No more days where I feel like I will just crumble if someone says the wrong thing to me. In the midst of healing from the crisis as well as some other conflicts in the past, I discovered that I chase drama. My drama is one hundred percent internal; it is within my own mind.
Have you ever had those mornings when you wake up to a list in your head of all of the things that could possibly go wrong? The dog is sick and needs to go to the vet, but you don’t have the money to take the dog to the vet. Your son has been slacking in his classes and you told him that you would take away his phone if he didn’t figure it out, but you don’t want to take away his phone because then he will have a teenage sized temper tantrum that you just don’t want to deal with. You have all of the numbers in your head of all of the bills, but you don’t know how each one is going to get paid with enough money left over to buy groceries and put gas in the vehicles. And on and on and on. Each of these things are important, but these are the things that plagued my every morning for years. Each morning as I stood in the shower, I would run through the list of all of the “things” that were worrying me or making me angry or stressing me out to the point that I was losing sleep. I wasn’t thinking about these things with a plan to manage them. I was fixating on these things and others without having any way out. And I was obsessing about them to the point that I just couldn’t find a way to think positively about almost everything in my life. Chasing drama.
Chasing drama for me is almost like some sick form of entertainment. I find that I chase drama when I’m bored. When I’m on break from school, when I am finished with a class, when I have any downtime that doesn’t require me to use my brain in a productive way. I used to say that every summer I would go through a period of a depression because that was what always happened. I would actually prepare myself for the depression, knowing that it was just around the corner, lurking. However, depression wasn’t lurking, I was seeking it out, almost as a source of comfort. Something to expect and to rely on. Chasing drama.
Note: This is the first in a series of blogs about chasing drama. Come back next week, hopefully, for the next installment.